


Dick Wolf is a Really Funny Name

by jor77



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Brotherly Bonding, Fluff, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2015-11-11
Packaged: 2018-05-01 03:05:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5189720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jor77/pseuds/jor77
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Damian and Bruce argue. Damian has to stay at Jason and Roy's apartment for the night to cool off. That's... pretty much it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dick Wolf is a Really Funny Name

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so this was originally going to be a small little part of a AU thing I was planning out (there was going to be Ra's in Talia's body, Bruce was going to die, it was going to be a whole thing). Anyway I completely abandoned that and this is the only section that doesn't contain a gigantic dollop of exposition. I also couldn't think of a title, hence the title. Enjoy.

Jason and Roy lounged lazily on the couch, two episodes in to their weekly triple-bill of Law and Order: SVU. "Why do we watch this again?" inquired Jason. "It's the exact same thing every week."

"It's an ok show." replied Roy. "Besides, you love when Dick Wolf's name appears on-screen at the end."

"Heh... _Dick Wolf_." What an awesome fucking name. This thought was interrupted by Jay's phone vibrating in his pocket and blaring Sir Mix-A-Lot's seminal classic 'Baby Got Back'. That could only mean one thing.

"Why is Dick calling you at 11 o'clock at night?" quizzed Roy. Jason shrugged and answered the phone.

"What's up Dick Wolf?"

"Heh... _Dick Wolf_." chuckled Dick. Jason could hear muffled yelling on the other end of the line.

"What the fuck's going on down there?" he asked.

"Oh yeah, can Damian stay over at your guys' apartment tonight?"

"No way in he--"

"GreatthanksI'lldrophimoffinabitbye." Dick hung up.

Jason sighed. "Get the tranq gun ready Roy, it's gonna be a long night."

 

"This isn't fair. Father doesn't have to stay at moron HQ tonight and _he_ was the one who acted like an ass." grumbled Damian as Dick led him down the hall to Jason and Roy's apartment. On his back he carried a backpack with his pyjamas, a sketchbook, pencils and his iPod in it.

"Well, you should know how to deal with your dad being an ass by now. And there was no need to get Alfred to crap all over his study." _The cat._ Not...

"Yes there was, Grayson..." Damian smirked. "I'm willing to concede that there was no need to Snapchat it but what's done is done."

They reached the door of 'moron HQ'. "Promise me you'll at least try to be nice." pleaded Dick.

"I thought you want me to be myself. I can't do both, Grayson." Was he making a joke? Dick couldn't tell. Maybe. Probably not. He knocked on the door. A few seconds later, the door swung open to reveal Jason, looking considerably less than pleased.

"Slick Dick, Demonbaby, come in I guess."

They walked into the living room. Damian had never been inside Jay's apartment before. It was... not what he expected. Everything was fairly neat and organized.

"There is no way you and that other knuckle-dragger live _here_. Does Pennyworth clean this place too?"

"No he doesn't, _I_ do. But how about I drag my knuckles across your face you little--"

"Jay." hushed Roy, sitting up on the couch. "Remember you said you were going to try to avoid fighting with a ten-year-old?"

"I'm eleven." snarled Damian.

"He's eleven, Roy." mocked Jason.

"Okay... I see you have everything under control." lied Dick. "I'm going to leave you to it. He's already had dinner. And make sure he doesn't sneak out to go on patrol."

"Yeah, yeah. And don't give him water or feed him after midnight, right?" joked Jason.

Damian crossed his arms, deepening the scowl already present on his resting brat face. "Is that some sort of reference to something?"

Roy looked genuinely appalled. "You've never shown the kid Gremlins?" he exclaimed. "I mean, putting him in a goofy costume and turning him into a child soldier is bad but that is freaking child abuse!"

"Oh calm down Roy. Gremlins is not a must see movie. It's just ok." objected Jason.

"Just ok?! That movie was my fucking childhood, man!" Roy whisper-yelled, expressing his anger while being careful not to wake up Lian, who was asleep in her room.

Damian turned to Dick. "I'll apologise to Father, I'll help Pennyworth clean the study. Just don't leave me here with Dingus Khan and Moronald McDonald."

"Which one of us is Dingus Khan?" asked Roy.

"I think you're Moronald McDonald because you have red hair." explained Jay.

Dick chuckled and ruffled Damian's hair. "Sorry Lil' D. You and your dad both need a night apart to cool off. Besides, it'll give you and Jay some much needed brotherly bonding time."

Damian visibly shuddered. Dick kissed his hair and walked towards the front door.

"Tell Bruce to go fuck himself for me." said Jason as Dick opened the door and walked out.

"Sure thing." responded Dick. The door closed, leaving Damian and Jason awkwardly standing there.

"So..." began Jason. "When's your bedtime? Not that it matters, I'll let you stay up as long as you want, 'cos I'm the cool brother."

"Does that make me the cool uncle?" asked Roy, excited.

"The fact that you had to ask means you're not the cool uncle." stated Jason. "Also that'd make you _my_ uncle, which is gross considering we bang."

Damian rolled his eyes, disgusted by the fact that he would have to spend the evening with these imbeciles. "Which room will I be sleeping in?" he questioned.

Jason gestured around the living room. "Uh, this one. You'll be crashing on the couch."

Damian sighed. "-tt- Of course."

"Unless you want to share Lian's crib. Oh, by the way, Lian's asleep at a reasonable hour for the first time in weeks and if you wake her I will legit strangle you to death." warned Roy, and Damian didn't detect anything but sincerity in his tone.

"Noted." he said.

"So let me guess," commented Jason. "Bruce was a dick, you reacted appropriately and now he's grounded you from patrol and sent you here to 'cool off'?"

Damian blinked. "That is exactly what happened." he replied.

"That asshole never changes." scoffed Jason. "I was staying at Dick's every other week back when I was Robin."

"Wow, we share so many things in common. We should become best friends." drawled Damian, sarcastically. He took a seat on the couch, as far away from Roy as he could possibly get, and opened his backpack. He then took out his iPod. "Neither of you blithering idiots talk to me." he ordered, plugging his earphones into his ears.

"We'll try but your witty repartee is just too much to resist sometimes, brat." quipped Jason, sitting down between Roy and Damian on the couch. Damian closed his eyes and focused on the music playing in his ears (Little Birds by Neutral Milk Hotel (yeah, this is set in an AU where Damian likes Neutral Milk Hotel, fucking fight me)).

 

"-tt-" Damian furiously rummaged through his backpack.

"What is it, babybat?" asked Jason.

"Grayson forgot to pack my iPod charger, like an idiot." He took his sketchbook and pencils out.

"You like drawing, Damian?" asked Roy, nicely (for Roy).

"No." said Damian, opening his sketchbook on a half completed sketch, "I hate it. Almost as much as I hate you."

"I was just trying to be nice you little brat." muttered Roy.

"In all fairness, that was kind of a stupid question." reasoned Jason. He absent-mindedly glanced at Damian's sketch and saw Damian decapitating another boy his age with a katana... Yikes. "Um, who's that you're killing there?"

"-tt-" Damian yanked the sketchbook out of Jason's view. "I see you have no problem invading people's privacy, Todd."

"Is that a kid from school?"

"No." Silence. "Yes. It doesn't matter." He got up and walked towards the kitchen. "I'll finish this sketch at the kitchen table where I wont be interrupted or spied on."

As soon as Damian left the room, Jason and Roy looked at each other knowingly. Jason sighed. "Great, now I have to have the whole concerned brother conversation."

"You could get Dick to do it." suggested Roy.

"I can't tell Dick about this. It'd completely ruin my cool big brother status."

"The only one who believes you're 'cool', Todd, is you." bellowed Damian from the kitchen.

The sound of wailing erupted from Lian's room. "Son of a fucking bitch!" fumed Roy. He and Jason got up from the couch. "I'll kill that brat."

"Avoid fighting the ten-year-old, remember?" reminded Jason.

"He's eleven, bitch." retorted Roy.

"Yeah, yeah. Go take care of your crying child, Roy."

Roy walked into Lian's room while Jay walked into the kitchen. Lian's piercing screech was somehow louder even though he was farther away.

"Don't even try, Todd. You already cheated death once, don't test her limits." warned Damian.

Jason just went right ahead with the speech he planned out a minute ago anyway. "Y'know, after Bruce adopted me, I got sent to Gotham Academy too. All the kids there made fun of me because I was from 'the wrong side of the tracks'. It got _really_ bad when they found out my mom was a drug addict. They'd plant fake drugs in my locker and get one of the teachers to search it in front of everyone. I even overheard some of the teachers making jokes when they thought I wasn't listening. It fucking sucked."

Damian looked at his shoes, avoiding eye contact. "It's not as bad as that." he mumbled. "It's just one kid. It isn't even worth discussing."

"What kind of shit does he say?" asked Jason. He took a seat opposite Damian. "If you don't want to talk about it though, that's cool."

"I don't want to talk about it." replied Damian immediately.

"Ok." Lian's crying stopped, leaving Jason and Damian in complete silence.

"It's so foolish. I should not have let it affect me." Damian actually looked ashamed, which was really starting to piss Jason off. He really wanted to bash this asshole bully's face in.

Damn, what is it with him wanting to fight eleven-year-olds today?

"No Damian, it's foolish to think that someone hurting you is _your_ fault." Jason pointed out.

"-tt- That sounds like something Grayson would say... He calls me a terrorist."

"Who, Dick?!" yelped Jason.

"No you idiot, the boy at school." explained Damian.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry."

"He tells me that people 'like me' are ruining America and that I should go back where I came from." said Damian as he clenched his fists. "I'm not even Muslim, and even if I was that doesn't mean... Those bullies from your school, you did beat them up eventually, right?"

Jason nodded. "Oh yeah, absolutely decimated them, Bruce had to pay to keep me from being expelled."

"And did they stop harassing you?"

Jason paused for a bit, realising his answer could result in a xenophobic child's nose being shattered. Was that a good thing or a bad thing?

"Yep. But, none of the kids at that school ever talked to me again. Not even the nicer ones. They were all petrified of me."

"Father was angry at you also." assumed Damian.

"A little. He was more annoyed that I didn't tell him about what was going on." Ok, that was a lie, but Jason felt it was one of those for-the-greater-good-type deals.

Damian nodded absently. Jay could see the wheels turning in his head. "Don't tell Grayson or Father about this." Damian closed the sketchbook. "That is, if you want to retain your standing as the 'cool big brother'." he added.

Jay smirked. "Ok, brat." He still couldn't figure out why Damian told him about this before Dick or Alfred or Bruce. Opening that page on the sketchbook when Jason was _right_ beside him wasn't even subtle, he definitely wanted to talk about this. So why did he pick Jay?

'I guess I really am the cool big brother' he thought.


End file.
